People in love make me want to vomit
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
True strength comes from lack of pants
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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