i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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