I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
