maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
