I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
