So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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