Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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