There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
