We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
