he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Blood and glitter go together right?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
