honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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