I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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