I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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