Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
