when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
why do cheetos always look like penises
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
