why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
