I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
