I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
