everyone is single if you try hard enough
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
