Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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