Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
