I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
