I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.