You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.