eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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