How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
