What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
