Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
