i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
