I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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