woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
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He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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