Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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