So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
