so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
