My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
