Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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