the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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