you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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