I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
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Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
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I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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