I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
