I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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