I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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