She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
