I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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