So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
