Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
