So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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