I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
