made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
