the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
