you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
