dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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