you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
