She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
