i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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