ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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