I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
