UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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