I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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